"If you clean your room, ill give you a candy bar". Now this will probably work...once. Sure, if a kid is feeling like a candy bar at that moment, he will go clean his room. However, if you just gave him a candy bar for practicing piano he might rather skip out on the sugar. Now what? If this is your go to bribe how will you help your child know it is time for him to clean his room? You are out of options. Or are you?
Family researchers have spent countless hours studying how children respond to bribes. Dr. Steve Dennis, Dean of Education & Human Development of BYU- Idaho helps us understand this concept in his article "What's the problem with Bribes?" He says that "The problem (with rewards) comes when parents use rewards or punishments that are neither authentic nor
logical. They are arbitrary and have no connection to the situation."(Dennis, Steve)
He further explains that as a reward is connected to the situation or rather is it "authentic" children begin to see that their actions have consequences. In order to accomplish this, parents need to understand how this works. They need to completely realize that bribes will only get them so far. It will only stop the child crying at that moment or have them finish their homework just this once. I would call this "flying by the seat of your pants" parenting. Often as adults, we offer bribes because we reward ourselves with bribes. I do this all the time! If I work really hard all day I can watch a show. If I go running I can eat more dessert etc. What if I decided to be more authentic? If I go running I get the satisfaction of knowing I chose to take care of my physical and emotional health? At first, the cake sounds better! However, once I get sick of cake, I can say goodbye to running. This is the problem with bribes, they don't last. Parents need to realize this and start by being deliberate in their parenting. This means if your child is screaming in the store, you don't offer them a bribe to please stop. This is harder than it might sound. And to me it sounds hard! Becoming deliberate and authentic in our parenting is hard and takes time. Children are resilient and forgiving. Its never too late to start trying. Be kind to yourself and your spouse as your work together to raise your children.
A fun example of being authentic is played out in the children's book Mrs. Pigglewiggle. When teaching the children the importance of cleaning their room, Henry, a young boy decides he would rather go without cleaning his room and instead play all day. Eventually, he began to realize the negative effects of his choice to not clean his room when he would arouse from his sleep to find lego brick prints on his forehead. His room eventually becomes so messy that he is barricaded in his room and no longer able to go out and play with his friends and can only watch them from his window. Henry then learns that the authentic reward of cleaning his room is that he has more freedom to come and go and his quality of life is better. (MacDonald & Knight, 1985)
I loved this example from Mrs. Pigglewiggle! Something that helps me to try each day to motivate with authenticity is to remember how much our Father in Heaven loves us. He tries each day even when we are not. Our children still are children and will never learn overnight. Like our Father patiently works with us, we need to love them and express appreciation for their efforts. We can help them see how they are improving or even or they are trying to improve. As we express this love and support they will know we are there to love and support them as they are learning. One last thing I would say is that ALL children are different and we may have to change how we teach each child at each stage. Comparing how your friend's kids are vs yours is not authentic. As we focus on our own family and relationship with God, it will all work out.
Resources
Dennis, Steve (n.d.). What’s the Problem with Bribes? Retrieved from
https://byui.brightspace.com/content/enforced/535408-Online.2019.Winter.FAML120.08/Course%20Files/Whats%20the%20Problem%20with%20Bribes.pdf?_&d2lSessionVal=edsC0ltRs40GQCl5CrGFahjis&ou=535408
MacDonald, B. B., & Knight, H. (1985). Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle. New York: HarperCollins.
Photo: Mrs. Piggle-wiggle book:
MACDONALD, B. E. T. T. Y. (2019). MRS. PIGGLE-WIGGLE'S FARM. Retrieved from https://www.amazon.com/Mrs-Piggle-Wiggle-Betty-MacDonald/dp/0590413864
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