As I have taken this course I have been impressed by the topics
we have learned. One of the biggest takeaways for me is how we can parent with
love. Does love mean we never discipline, we are pushovers and we give our
children all we want? When we look at what was taught in this course as well as
what is provided by prophets, we can learn what it means to parent with
love.
In Mosiah 4:14-15, King Benjamin is teaching his
people and he says
“And ye
will not suffer your children that they go hungry, or naked; neither will ye
suffer that they transgress the laws of God, and fight and quarrel one with
another. …
“But ye
will teach them to walk in the ways of truth and soberness; … to love one another,
and to serve one another.”(Mosiah 4:14-15, Book of Mormon)
I think the word discipline can sound harsh and scary,
however, I believe it is how we discipline that can be negative or positive to
the child. King Benjamin states that we should not tolerate our children
arguing with one another or breaking God's commandments. We are to teach them. I
believe the word Teach, can be a synonym for discipline.
During week 3 we studied on effective ways to discipline.
We also read chapter 10 of Dr. Haim G Ginotts book "Between Parent and
Child". In his section on discipline, he states "Children
need a clear definition of what is acceptable and what is unacceptable behavior.
It’s difficult for them not to act out their impulses and desires without
parental help. When they know the clear limits of permissive behavior, they
feel more secure."
Children are born with emotions and feelings they do not
know how to handle. It is like watching a child learn motor skills. I have a
3-month-old who is just now learning that he can reach for things. His
movements are jerky and I can tell that he is starting to learn how to move his
arms and legs. Children need direction on how to handle their emotions and
parents can teach them.
Much of what is discussed in this chapter is setting
boundaries or as he says "clear limits". Children should know that we
are not trying to trick them. They should know that we are there to walk beside
them and help them.
Another important part of parenting with love is to avoid
using abusive or physical punishment. This involves, hitting, spanking, being
verbally abusive and being controlling.
In Laurence Steinberg's book "The 10 basic principle
of good parenting" he talks about inappropriate ways to parent. He gives
the whys and why not to discipline.
According to him harsh punishment with cause your
children to model those behaviors with others or with their children, with
physical punishment it is easy for the punishing to turn to abuse very
quickly. Especially if the parent is acting out in anger. He does, however, states that not all children who have been raised with harsh punishments with
act out in the same way to their children, however, the rates of aggressive parenting
are higher in children that experienced it when younger. (Steinberg, 2005, pg 149)
When it comes to shouting or yelling at your children Dr.
Steinbergs says that it can quickly go too far and they become verbally
abusive (Steinberg, 2005, pg 149). He talks about the difference between being firm and being verbally
abusive. Be firm helps your children understand boundaries. They know when they
are going to far and helps them to redirect. If we are not firm with our
children they will not know the limits and often cross them. This will make us
angry and the lack of boundaries will not help the children learn.
I have seen both types of parenting. Parents who yell and
scream at their children to make them do what they want and parents who get
down on the child's level and help them understand how they crossed the
boundaries and what the consequence is.
I loved this quote by Dr. Lawrence
"First, your success as a parent depends in part on
the degree to which your child believes that you have his best interests at
heart. (Steinberg, 2005, pg 150) Our children need to know that we love them. When we protect them
from danger, teach them important principles, and express appreciation for them
when they are trying, they will know we care for them. However, when a parent
chooses harsh punishment they are showing their child that they are only what
to change them quickly and harshly.
References
Ginott, H. G., Ginott, A., & Goddard, H. W. (2004). Between parent and child. New York: Random House.
Steinberg, L. D. (2005). The ten basic principles of good parenting. New York: Simon & Schuster Paperbacks.
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